Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required