Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*![]()
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You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Order here:
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist