*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
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For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.