Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself