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Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Holy crap this is wonderful
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!