If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.