I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa