[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
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[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
This kid is going places
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.