For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
good work, detective
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I forgot how to panic. Help
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin