my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.