Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Day 2 of my diet

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.