Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
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What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
pelicons
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.