What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
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Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
They’re on their honeymoon
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.