What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”![]()
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I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.