What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!