Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
🙋♀️
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.