Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
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God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Never forget.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo