I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.