We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
(more comics:
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?