As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.