I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
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When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪