why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
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Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
john wicks are toilet candles
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it