I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes