Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks