Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
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I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.