What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
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Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?