Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
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When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm