My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.