couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
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“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass