I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this