My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
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Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.