This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
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Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.