Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
You Might Also Like
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
😂😂😂
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.