Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Happy Thanksgiving
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I miss this era type of pranks😭
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.