Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.