Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.