@uccjeb
@Ideal_Victoria [At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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@Ideal_Victoria 
@OfficeofSteve [The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
@HavocMantis Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
@cortronic *looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
@GABBYdaAngSaya Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
@moxieblogger If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
@cwhudson *holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
@Kate_Goldsmith I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
@Donna_McCoy *my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
@IDontSpeakWhine A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”