Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
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Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
At least try to make it slightly believable
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*lint rolls you awake*