What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
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When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
A Short Story.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.