What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
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Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Friends that check up on you >
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
“Huge”.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”