Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
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Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*