Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
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50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Mornin. * use accordingly
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say