I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Its true…
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
No laws when master is gone
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you