[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.