I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
You Might Also Like
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
bro what is going on at twitter
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
God has abandoned us.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?