when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
🤣🤣🤣
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My typo game is string.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Why I divorced her.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science