Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
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It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do