Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates