If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.