“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
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Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Not today, today.
Not today.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?