Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
You Might Also Like
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
OKAY DAD
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too