My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
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Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Britain be like
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Fidel Castro was alive?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.