my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Dead sexy!!
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.