My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
When can I start eating bats again.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.