I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
is this meant to deter me
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff