I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.