terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
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I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
How does one answer this?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.